being led---lessons from jayber crow.

i just finished what is now my favorite book: jayber crow by wendell berry.

it does not have much of a plot, nor will it capture you with adventure & action.

it is simply a story of heaven, hell, love, small town life, & the interconnectedness of each of us to one another.

the reading of this book came at a perfect time for me...a time of transition, confusion, a bit of uncertainty.

see, i tend to think that i have an idea of the general direction my life is heading...the type of job i'll acquire, the places i'll go, the relationships i will have. but recently i have been reminded that i am a fool for planning such things. no matter how sure i may feel or how much trust i place in others, nothing is certain. i am thankful for this uncertainty, though, because it reminds me that christ is sovereign. heres a passage from jayber that resonates with these sentiments:

"i am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circling or a doubling back. i have been in the dark wood of error any number of times. i have known something of hell, purgatory, and heaven, but not always in that order. the names of many dangers and snares have been made known to me, but i have seen them only in looking back. often i have not known where i was going until i was already there. i have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or i have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. often i have received better than i have deserved. often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. i am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. and yet for a long time, looking back, i have been unable to shake off the feeling that i have been led - make of that what you will."

[in his heart a man plans his course, but the lord determines his steps.]

---proverbs 16:9

isaiah 49:16

"we're more than just the blood of what we've done."

im the very worst.

so many things have been going through my mind lately; not consuming my thoughts, necessarily, but passing through...sticking here...wandering there...finding their way among my experiences...trying to form some sort of logical path in working themselves out.

here is where i am grateful, though: christ sanctifies the church. he takes our experiences, our thoughts, the hurts, joys, confusion, & sin...and uses them to make us more like himself. he changes us in spite of us.

in that grace, he is changing my heart.

see, although i have been rejected, hurt, & discarded at times by others, i am seeing that i am no different.

how can i maintain bitterness at someone choosing another over me...when i myself choose others over christ time & again?

how can an outstanding grudge remain intact against someone for running toward their idols while turning their back toward me....when i constantly run toward comfort, control, & acceptance and turn my back on christ?

how can i withhold forgiveness from someone who hurts me in an effort of self-protection...when i covet and protect my own wants & desires, telling christ, "what you want from me is too risky. im not comfortable with the unknown and im not sure that much trust resides in my being. i think i'll just go my own way before this all gets too complicated."

i am the things i hate. i am no different. i am the very worst.

but my hope rests in this: i am clothed in the one who is sufficient.

"here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: christ jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." ---1 timothy 1:15

wrestling & regret

lately, studying has been consuming my life.
thus, ive spent several hours of almost every day for the past 2 weeks at panera.
being within ear-shot of such a variety of people has helped me maintain sanity, i believe; i allow small breaks when awkward first dates are happening or young children are elaborating on silly stories. its the best.

a few days ago, my attention was drawn to two young brothers, both clad in brightly coloured swim trunks covered with the faces of professional wrestlers. i giggled from the corner, and relished in the fact that each of us, as children, experienced a time in life when we didnt care what anyone thought of us.

what really caught my attention, though, was the saying on the side of the swim trunks. right next to a grimacing, tanned man with veins popping out of his neck, i saw the phrase, "regret nothing."

hm.
how is it that the biggest messages come in the simplest forms?

see, i think we often confuse the ideas associated with regret. sometimes, we get consumed with pride, screaming that we regret nothing....that everything happens for a reason & we wouldnt change a thing; and other times, we claim that our lives are filled with regret. if we could only go back and make a different decision, our hearts would not look so worn. we would not be covered in scars & terrified of the hurt that others seem to heap upon us. we hit the extremes, but never pause to look at the root.

for those of us living in regret, what we are ultimately doing is living in shame...distrust...guilt. the regret becomes all-consuming and without noticing, it has defined us. and while dwelling in what once was, we have pushed christ aside, claiming (sometimes unconsciously or unknowingly) that our sins, decisions, & hurts are too terrible to be handled; we take them upon ourselves & with our actions, we tell god that he is no longer sovereign. we are hindering the gospel in our lives & in the lives of those around us.

yet, when we "regret nothing", we tend to view ourselves as god. we made our decisions; we handled the outcomes; we withstood the test; we will continue to guide our own paths. most often, this seems to be a prideful claim that poses as a facade for all the guilt, shame, & grievances that we've buried. we refuse to be vulnerable. instead of acknowledging mistakes....instead of being real about the pain we're experiencing...instead of looking someone in the eye and saying, "this really hurts"...we internalize our thoughts & experiences, all the while keeping our chins up & our tears hidden.

the gospel leads us to an entirely different extreme.

instead of identifying ourselves in our regrets, christ tells us to identify ourselves in him.
instead of dwelling daily in our shame, christ calls us to repent & believe that the cross is sufficient.
instead of living in fear, christ calls us to trust that his story is better than ours.
instead of putting up a front, christ calls us to break down our walls in community.
instead of retreating because its safe, christ calls us to die to ourselves & our comforts.

stop regretting everything; stop regretting nothing.
believe that god is good & worthy of our trust.

a pirates life for me.

ive found that all days are better when you are silly.

dieu est verite

dieu est verite; god is truth.

life is worth living.

lately ive noticed something:

all of my friends are moving.

yes, this happens when jobs, marriages, adult life come into play

but these arent just small moves; these are cross country moves.

a bit of me is jealous; but most of me is proud.

i am so blessed to have adventuresome friends...

...friends who choose experiences over comfort or material possessions....

some people love where they live, and i totally get that.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with being present where you are.

theres just something magical about starting fresh in a brand new city.

so this post is all about the people i love and the adventures theyre taking.

[i will try to go in some sort of geographical order...]

ALASKA

this is my sweet friend josie. she is insanely beautiful, and has a sense of humor that will make you giggle for hours & hours (one of the many reasons why i love her). she & her husband just moved to alaska, which is basically a dream come true for them. they have been posting breath-taking photos and im hoping at some point i will be able to visit. my friendship with josie was pretty new, so im super sad about them leaving so quickly. i know they have wonderful things in store way up north, though.

WASHINGTON

this is brandon! he didnt JUST move, but we just recently reconnected and i found out he had taken the leap from the midwest to the pacific northwest. we met at church camp in early highschool years, and he became an instant dear friend to me. his heart is so good & ive been very blessed in knowing him. plus, he keeps me cool. i mean, check out that tattoo sleeve...

also in washington is miss megan. she has been there for awhile, as well. megan & i met in the summer of 2007 at colorado. she moved out from california & i moved out from illinois. we both worked at the same mountain resort and went to the same church for those few months. we were inseparable, and i was surprised at how close our friendship became in such a short time period. since then, i flew out to california to see her, and she made a pit stop in st louis with her husband and sweet baby girl (who at the time was still in her belly!). im so thankful for that summer bringing about such a sweet friendship.

COLORADO

a lot of people i love live within the 4 borders of this state. most of you know i have spent ample time there, and in that time, ive built a family. this first photo is of my aunt who also happens to be one of my best friends. she always, ALWAYS makes me laugh and always loves me unconditionally. she is a foundation for me. the second photo is of dear amanda. she has such a servants heart & i always seem to learn valuable things through her words & actions. she is a friend who makes me a better person.

LOS ANGELES

the first photo is of my closest highschool friend (and honestly, just one of the closest friends in my whole life). she kept me grounded throughout my teenage years, and we both kept each other laughing. she is so incredibly intelligent and just a beautiful woman. i was the maid of honor in her wedding & felt so blessed to be standing next to her. she & her husband JUST moved to LA. when i think of people taking leaps of faith...when i think of risk-takers...when i think of adventure...i think of them. im so excited to see theyre journey happen.

the second picture is of my friend elisha. we have known each other since we were about 17; we've had so many conversations i cant even begin to count them all.....GOOD conversations....conversations that had me in fits of laughter....conversations that had me crying...conversations that made me happy, frustrated, contemplative. im so thankful for the way he challenges me & i him. its a beautiful balance.

PHOENIX

justin moved to phoenix just recently and he is already being SO missional about his move. we met in the summer of 2008 when we were church camp counselors at springhill. as long as ive known justin, ive been drawn to him. he has an incredible heart, a beautiful way with words, an evident love for christ, and an easy way of making you feel important. phoenix is lucky to have him.

CHICAGO

emily and i have been friends since highscool. what started as simply volleyball teammates turned into a wonderfully rich friendship that gave advice, love, understanding, & laughter. we have grown together and found our way from being teenagers to adults...side by side....understanding that its hard & that we need each other. she, her husband, & their son all moved to chicago because of her husbands job. she is starting pharmacy school in the city, and i am just gushing with pride for her. shes one of the strongest women i know.

miss danielle reed (who i like to call d-reed) moved to chicago for a freaking sweet job in forensic science. we became friends in college, and even though distance has happened, our friendship has gotten better & better. the longer i know her, the more i am blessed. the coolest thing about our friendship and the way we live out life together is seeing our brokenness compared to gods goodness. i feel like somehow, the two of us are constantly reminding each other of that. friendships that reflect christ are the absolute best.

MINNESOTA

brea is the best. she took an INCREDIBLY large leap of faith, packed up her bags, and moved to minnesota in pursuit of a Ph.D. holy cow, i have the coolest friends. she is full of fun & laughter & adventure & charisma & love. every phone conversation i have with her ends with the best feeling....a feeling of true friendship...comradery....grace. the neatest part? that has been there ever since we first became friends our freshman year of college. she is a rare treasure, for sure.

LOUISVILLE

this is the newest move of all!!! one of my dearest friends, jen, just got married last saturday!! she & her husband are currently on their honeymoon, but upon their return, they will be living in louisville, kentucky. jens friendship is one of the best things ive experienced. we were together non-stop all throughout college, then lived together for a year while we were both working toward a masters degree. she makes me laugh, she hugs me when all i have are tears, she challenges me, & she loves me so well. she is someone that i could not do without.

NASHVILLE

lindsey and i met during undergrad in the speech-pathology program. she is the sweetest southern belle you will ever come across. i honestly do not think ive ever encountered such a pure heart. after graduation, she got married & moved with her husband to nashville. he is pursuing music, she is pursuing a masters, and they are both pursuing christ. what a beautiful example of how marriage should truly look.

ATLANTA

this is also an EXTREMELY recent move....my other best friend from highschool, ashley, & her husband moved to hotlanta...err....atlanta. shes pursuing a masters in theology....incredible, right?! she has been an absolute constant in my life. then, after she got married, i realized she chose a great husband who has also become a really dear friend to me. the two of them together are an amazing thing...and i am constantly thankful for how real i can be with them. they do not want me to be a certain way, act a certain way, say a certain thing. even when things are bad, they take me as i am and love me as christ would. these are true friends.

there you have it. i officially know the coolest people in the world. people who love life, pursue christ, care about people, & take adventures. incredible. what adventures are you taking?