im the very worst.

so many things have been going through my mind lately; not consuming my thoughts, necessarily, but passing through...sticking here...wandering there...finding their way among my experiences...trying to form some sort of logical path in working themselves out.

here is where i am grateful, though: christ sanctifies the church. he takes our experiences, our thoughts, the hurts, joys, confusion, & sin...and uses them to make us more like himself. he changes us in spite of us.

in that grace, he is changing my heart.

see, although i have been rejected, hurt, & discarded at times by others, i am seeing that i am no different.

how can i maintain bitterness at someone choosing another over me...when i myself choose others over christ time & again?

how can an outstanding grudge remain intact against someone for running toward their idols while turning their back toward me....when i constantly run toward comfort, control, & acceptance and turn my back on christ?

how can i withhold forgiveness from someone who hurts me in an effort of self-protection...when i covet and protect my own wants & desires, telling christ, "what you want from me is too risky. im not comfortable with the unknown and im not sure that much trust resides in my being. i think i'll just go my own way before this all gets too complicated."

i am the things i hate. i am no different. i am the very worst.

but my hope rests in this: i am clothed in the one who is sufficient.

"here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: christ jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." ---1 timothy 1:15